Post by Dean Robinson on Dec 10, 2007 9:25:31 GMT -5
Keeping it in the family
The Children's Aid Society's kinship care program places kids in familiar surroundings
By SARAH GREEN, SUN MEDIA
torontosun.com/News/OtherNews/2007/12/08/4714217-sun.html
To the outside world, they are grandma and grandpa.
But to four Toronto boys, who have lived with their grandparents for most of their young lives, they are simply mom and dad.
Their own children, a son and a daughter, have grown up and it's a time when most couples would be adjusting to the echoes of an empty nest.
But the grandparents' clean, picture-filled home is bustling with the busy lives of four boys, aged 12 to 3 months.
"Your parenting never stops," said the grandmother, 51, after ushering her 5-year-old grandson to the basement to watch Treehouse on TV. "It feels like you're young again."
The arrangement began informally following the birth of their first grandson, now a 12-year-old, straight-A student who is shy and quiet, yet loves the drums.
Their daughter, now 30, lived with her parents through her pregnancy and the birth of her first child. Three years later, a second son, now a 9-year-old adventurous boy, affectionately called a "toothache" by his grandfather, 59, followed.
Their daughter tried living out on her own with the kids -- usually for no more than six months at a time -- but always returned to her parents' home, overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood.
MOTHER USING DRUGS
It was during one of these periods when the boys' mother was on her own with the kids -- shortly before the birth of her third son, now a 5-year-old whirlwind who is gifted at school and basketball -- that the Toronto Children's Aid Society (CAS) stepped in.
"They weren't going to school on a regular basis," their grandmother explained. The boys' school was also concerned about their cleanliness.
The boys' mother, who was 25 at the time, was using drugs. The grandparents struggle with their daughter's addiction, yet they opened their arms to her, just as they have to their grandchildren. She's "a pretty good kid" who respects her parents, the grandmother said. Drugs have turned her into a different person.
After a brief stay in foster care, the boys returned to live with their grandparents with the blessing of the CAS. The daughter also returned home to live with them shortly before the birth of her fourth baby, a son born in early September.
"Flush yourself, make yourself a new start" is the grandmother's hope. "We're there 100% behind you. Here's a safety net."
The grandparents expect the boys to live with them until they're adults. Although it involves daily compromising and juggling, the grandparents can't imagine life without the boys. They call their grandparents mom and dad, their mother by her first name.
The grandmother recalled returning home one Friday afternoon to find the normally busy home empty. "It feels so lonely. It felt so weird," she said with a laugh. "You really, really miss them.
The grandparents' arrangement is part of a growing shift in child welfare emphasizing kinship care, which sees relatives taking in children who have been removed from their homes.
"Historically if children had to be removed from their family because there is a safety issue, we tend to put them in foster care," said Nancy Dale, interim executive director of the Toronto CAS, who has been with the agency since 1979. "Families often have solutions to the problem. Families absolutely want to help."
The Toronto CAS launched its kinship program in June, 2003 -- the first in Ontario -- and have since placed more than 300 children with extended family members, even neighbours and teachers.
"We've always done it, but not as large scale," said Kathy Murphy, kinship supervisor with the Toronto CAS. "For parents, it's kind of nice to know the child is with a sister or mother -- someone you know. It's better for the kids to go with someone they know."
The emphasis on kinship care doesn't diminish the crucial role of foster parents, Dale said. But as former child and youth minister Mary Anne Chambers noted last year at a symposium on kinship care, the average child in foster care moves every 22 months.
"At the end of the day, the goal here is to provide children with a sense of place and permanency," Dale said. "Uncertainty is not something they want for their kids."
When a call comes into the CAS, it's one of the first questions asked: Are there family members who can take the children? The agency even has two part-time workers assigned to finding extended family. Murphy said relatives already share a history and cultural background, giving a sense of stability to a child during a time of upheaval.
"It's so much better for the child," Murphy said. "It's got to be the most traumatic thing in the world to be taken from your home. No matter how bad it was, it's still home. That's where they want to be."
Children aren't simply handed over to extended family. They're subject to a police check, a review of any history with the CAS and a home safety check. There's also the intangible qualities.
"The worker will get a sense of you, (whether) your heart is in the right place and you really want to love this child and make her part of the family," said a Toronto uncle, who with his wife is caring for his 10-year-old niece, a ward of the Toronto CAS. "It's a real commitment."
The girl's mother died suddenly a year and a half ago and while still living with her father, she lost touch with her uncle and aunt. The CAS stepped in when red flags were raised about the girl's school attendance and her hygiene.
"It was really sad," her aunt said simply.
It took several months before the girl, initially placed in foster care, was able to stay with her aunt and uncle, first for weekends, then for good. The couple have two teenaged children, aged 16 and 19, yet they were required to take a nine-week parenting course. They joke about the irony, yet say the course was helpful.
The girl's father resisted the placement and the CAS also conducted an extensive probe of the aunt and uncle, even surveying the couple's children.
'NOT PARENTING SAINTS'
"At the time, it seemed frustrating and intrusive. But they're doing their job and doing it well. They don't know us. They're finding out about us," the uncle said. "We're not parenting saints, but we knew we had the basic skills to give her the life we knew she deserves."
The girl, who has special needs, has been living with her aunt and uncle for several months now and she is thriving after some initial growing pains.
She's socializing well and she's gradually understanding she doesn't need to hide food, her uncle said. The fridge will always be full and there will always be meals on the table.
It's been challenging and enriching, "all part of family life," her uncle said.
While quick to praise foster families, her aunt noted, "they're strangers for a little while." There's a deeper connection in a family home. There are pictures of the girl's mother around the house and there's a standing offer to create a scrapbook when the girl is ready. There has also been a visit to the mother's grave to lay flowers.
"You get this child and there's not thought (that) if it doesn't work out, you'll give them back," her aunt said. "It's family. You'll make it work."
The Children's Aid Society's kinship care program places kids in familiar surroundings
By SARAH GREEN, SUN MEDIA
torontosun.com/News/OtherNews/2007/12/08/4714217-sun.html
To the outside world, they are grandma and grandpa.
But to four Toronto boys, who have lived with their grandparents for most of their young lives, they are simply mom and dad.
Their own children, a son and a daughter, have grown up and it's a time when most couples would be adjusting to the echoes of an empty nest.
But the grandparents' clean, picture-filled home is bustling with the busy lives of four boys, aged 12 to 3 months.
"Your parenting never stops," said the grandmother, 51, after ushering her 5-year-old grandson to the basement to watch Treehouse on TV. "It feels like you're young again."
The arrangement began informally following the birth of their first grandson, now a 12-year-old, straight-A student who is shy and quiet, yet loves the drums.
Their daughter, now 30, lived with her parents through her pregnancy and the birth of her first child. Three years later, a second son, now a 9-year-old adventurous boy, affectionately called a "toothache" by his grandfather, 59, followed.
Their daughter tried living out on her own with the kids -- usually for no more than six months at a time -- but always returned to her parents' home, overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood.
MOTHER USING DRUGS
It was during one of these periods when the boys' mother was on her own with the kids -- shortly before the birth of her third son, now a 5-year-old whirlwind who is gifted at school and basketball -- that the Toronto Children's Aid Society (CAS) stepped in.
"They weren't going to school on a regular basis," their grandmother explained. The boys' school was also concerned about their cleanliness.
The boys' mother, who was 25 at the time, was using drugs. The grandparents struggle with their daughter's addiction, yet they opened their arms to her, just as they have to their grandchildren. She's "a pretty good kid" who respects her parents, the grandmother said. Drugs have turned her into a different person.
After a brief stay in foster care, the boys returned to live with their grandparents with the blessing of the CAS. The daughter also returned home to live with them shortly before the birth of her fourth baby, a son born in early September.
"Flush yourself, make yourself a new start" is the grandmother's hope. "We're there 100% behind you. Here's a safety net."
The grandparents expect the boys to live with them until they're adults. Although it involves daily compromising and juggling, the grandparents can't imagine life without the boys. They call their grandparents mom and dad, their mother by her first name.
The grandmother recalled returning home one Friday afternoon to find the normally busy home empty. "It feels so lonely. It felt so weird," she said with a laugh. "You really, really miss them.
The grandparents' arrangement is part of a growing shift in child welfare emphasizing kinship care, which sees relatives taking in children who have been removed from their homes.
"Historically if children had to be removed from their family because there is a safety issue, we tend to put them in foster care," said Nancy Dale, interim executive director of the Toronto CAS, who has been with the agency since 1979. "Families often have solutions to the problem. Families absolutely want to help."
The Toronto CAS launched its kinship program in June, 2003 -- the first in Ontario -- and have since placed more than 300 children with extended family members, even neighbours and teachers.
"We've always done it, but not as large scale," said Kathy Murphy, kinship supervisor with the Toronto CAS. "For parents, it's kind of nice to know the child is with a sister or mother -- someone you know. It's better for the kids to go with someone they know."
The emphasis on kinship care doesn't diminish the crucial role of foster parents, Dale said. But as former child and youth minister Mary Anne Chambers noted last year at a symposium on kinship care, the average child in foster care moves every 22 months.
"At the end of the day, the goal here is to provide children with a sense of place and permanency," Dale said. "Uncertainty is not something they want for their kids."
When a call comes into the CAS, it's one of the first questions asked: Are there family members who can take the children? The agency even has two part-time workers assigned to finding extended family. Murphy said relatives already share a history and cultural background, giving a sense of stability to a child during a time of upheaval.
"It's so much better for the child," Murphy said. "It's got to be the most traumatic thing in the world to be taken from your home. No matter how bad it was, it's still home. That's where they want to be."
Children aren't simply handed over to extended family. They're subject to a police check, a review of any history with the CAS and a home safety check. There's also the intangible qualities.
"The worker will get a sense of you, (whether) your heart is in the right place and you really want to love this child and make her part of the family," said a Toronto uncle, who with his wife is caring for his 10-year-old niece, a ward of the Toronto CAS. "It's a real commitment."
The girl's mother died suddenly a year and a half ago and while still living with her father, she lost touch with her uncle and aunt. The CAS stepped in when red flags were raised about the girl's school attendance and her hygiene.
"It was really sad," her aunt said simply.
It took several months before the girl, initially placed in foster care, was able to stay with her aunt and uncle, first for weekends, then for good. The couple have two teenaged children, aged 16 and 19, yet they were required to take a nine-week parenting course. They joke about the irony, yet say the course was helpful.
The girl's father resisted the placement and the CAS also conducted an extensive probe of the aunt and uncle, even surveying the couple's children.
'NOT PARENTING SAINTS'
"At the time, it seemed frustrating and intrusive. But they're doing their job and doing it well. They don't know us. They're finding out about us," the uncle said. "We're not parenting saints, but we knew we had the basic skills to give her the life we knew she deserves."
The girl, who has special needs, has been living with her aunt and uncle for several months now and she is thriving after some initial growing pains.
She's socializing well and she's gradually understanding she doesn't need to hide food, her uncle said. The fridge will always be full and there will always be meals on the table.
It's been challenging and enriching, "all part of family life," her uncle said.
While quick to praise foster families, her aunt noted, "they're strangers for a little while." There's a deeper connection in a family home. There are pictures of the girl's mother around the house and there's a standing offer to create a scrapbook when the girl is ready. There has also been a visit to the mother's grave to lay flowers.
"You get this child and there's not thought (that) if it doesn't work out, you'll give them back," her aunt said. "It's family. You'll make it work."