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Post by Dean Robinson on Dec 19, 2006 18:34:11 GMT -5
For some Parenting grandchildren is becoming increasingly common these days. Tell us your stories
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Post by REALITY on Dec 19, 2006 19:03:18 GMT -5
C. Sue Miles, Ph.D. Program Leader, Family Development Grandparents Raising Grandchildren “Where there is room in the heart, there is always room on the hearth.” Elisabeth Marbury, My Crystal Ball Introduction More than 3.9 million grandparents are raising their grandchildren in their homes. Overall, about 5.4 million children nationwide live with their grandparents. In fact, one in 10 grandparents has been the primary support of a grandchild at some time in their lives. While this is not a new phenomenon in this country, the rate of grandparents raising their grandchildren is increasing, and there is every reason to believe the numbers will continue to grow. In fact, the most recent count of grandchildren being raised by their grandparents indicates these numbers increased nearly 36 percent in one year over the previous year (U.S. Census, 1994). A Census Public Information report (CBOO-FF) dated September 2000 noted that the number of children residing in homes maintained by grandparents represents an increase of 641,000 since 1992. The increasing incidence of parental substance abuse, child abuse and neglect, parental AIDS, incarceration, divorce, and desertion has resulted in higher rates of children being raised by grandparents. This lesson will explore some of the joys and challenges in raising a second generation. Further information and support services that may be of assistance to the grandparents and their families will be suggested. Raising a second generation has many joys and satisfactions Providing grandchildren with a sense of security by helping them to grow in their self-confidence, self-identity, self-respect, and self-esteem brings joys as well as challenges in parenting. Grandparents often experience a self-renewal through their grandchildren. In the best of circumstances, the renewal can be both biological and emotional, adding new social networks and experiencing emotional self-fulfillment in being able to support the positive development of a generation that carries a family forward. Being there for the children is of profound importance, especially for children who have resided in troubled situations. Grandparents can serve as attachment figures and provide a positive identity and family continuity. Providing an unquestionable calming influence, dependability, and communicating unconditional love provides a much-needed stability for the growth and development of the children (1). Raising a second generation has many challenges Many grandparents raising grandchildren face ongoing issues around the basic physical, emotional, and financial adjustments they must make. Many grandparents who are parenting their grandchildren are deprived of a positive relationship with their own child. In fact, many start their role grieving an actual or emotional death of their child. “That’s not my daughter,” one woman said. “Drugs have taken over. That’s not the girl I raised, loved, and nurtured.” Thus, grandparents are often dealing with feelings of failure, guilt, and embarrassment. Many of the children being raised by grandparents have psychological and/or physical problems related to their earlier experiences. They may have experienced home conditions that affected growth physically, emotionally, and/or socially. At best, many are grieving some loss of their own parents. Building on family strengths As grandparents take on an expanded grandparenting role, coming to some agreement on what these roles will be with any other adults involved in the caregiving will make a big difference to the children. If philosophies, values, and ways of working with each other and with the children are consistent among the persons providing some level of parenting, there is a much greater chance ES01-015 for success with the children. Maintaining strong communication ties across caregivers and dealing with issues that arise as a family provide children with capable and positive role models to support their growth now and in the future. Research informs us of the importance of talking through how caregivers will meet the kids’ needs and how each involved will help to provide the children with the following: • understanding that takes into consideration how the children view, influence, and respond to the world around them; • guidance modeled by the caregivers’ behaviors; establishing and maintaining reasonable limits, direction, and activities to meet their needs; • nurturing with kindness and attentive listening to feeling and ideas; • affection and compassion freely given; • motivation that models and stimulates curiosity and imagination in learning about the world; and • advocacy that builds a support system around the children in their family, neighborhood, and community. In the best of circumstances, children who are being raised by their grandparents are going to experience loss and abandonment as well as other issues relating to their place in the family. This is not what they expected out of life either, even if they were babies when this change in parenting took place (2). Keeping a journal and the baby stories, a family tree, and a record of large and small events and milestones and showing them frequently to the child are ways to share how important they are to you and how glad you are to be with them (3). Schools can help grandparents Schools can use many strategies to support grandparents who are working to raise and educate their grandchildren. Grandparents need information about the children they are raising and general information on child development and parenting. Existing policies may need to be revised to accommodate the grandparent’s informal authority or legal authority so the child can be enrolled in school, records can be reviewed, and requests or decisions can be handled legitimately. In collaboration with community groups and human service agencies, schools can support short-term respite services, counseling services, and other social, legal, and/or policy services. Care for the grandparent Care for the grandparent is as essential as care for the children. A grandparent’s lifestyle is changed and challenged in many ways when raising a second generation. Boundless energy may no longer be there. Many grandparents have health issues of their own. As one grandparent said, “It is not the American dream to raise a second family” (4). For many grandparents, dreams disappear with this life change, social life declines, and the new role often comes with an emotional roller coaster attached. While there may be much joy in having more time with one’s grandchildren, isolation may be one of the challenges as one gives up his or her current lifestyle and takes on a whole new level of problems difficult to resolve. When grandparents take on parenting roles, that very special relationship with the grandchild that was so wonderful with short visits changes. Being prepared and able to deal with this loss and any other grief that may have created this new life situation can be a big challenge that one needs support for when taking on these new roles.
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Post by Mary on Dec 19, 2006 19:25:20 GMT -5
CANGRANDS welcomes all grandparents and family members who are raising grandchildren or extended family members to our new home on-line. Our aim is to promote, support and assist families in maintaining or re-establishing family ties; especially between grandchildren and grandparents and extended families. Here you will find some answers to frequently asked questions concerning legal and health issues, as well as practical help for those Kin raising children and grandchildren. CANGRANDS is a not-for-profit organization devoted to providing support for Kin caregiver families across Canada. Approximately 57,000 children are being raised by Kin in Canada. Most of these children are being raised by a grandma or aunt who is retired with very low income. There is very little in the way of support for these children, many of which have suffered neglect and abuse. There is even less support for the Kin caregivers. However, private and corporate donations are now being accepted to help support children attending this year's camping event. Please join us - our members come from all walks of life and are committed to helping each other through encouragement, support and the sharing of information. If you are looking for a group close to home, check our 'Find a Support Group' page. www.cangrands.com/index.htmlAwesome Support and very knowledgeable..Betty runs this group and works hard at fighting injustice
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Post by REALITY on Dec 19, 2006 21:48:50 GMT -5
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Post by REALITY on Dec 19, 2006 21:56:12 GMT -5
Grandparent Access Facts
Few studies have examined the consequences of divorce in the middle generation on the grandparent’s role. Grandparent roles are as diverse as the circumstances of their extended families (Matthews & Sprey, 1984).
Grandparents often become a family’s first reserves in times of crisis. Grandparents act as fun playmates for children, role models, and family historians, mentors, and help establish self-esteem and security for children (Blau, 1984; Kornhaber & Woodward, 1981).
In 1987, Crawford concluded that the stronger the tie with grandparents, the less likely children was to develop significant psychopathology in later life. A strong argument for close relationships between grandchildren and grandparents was supported by researchers who found that adults who have had strong relationships with grandparents tend to be much more positive to the value and importance of older citizens (Downs & Walz, 1981).
As well, Kivnick (1982) demonstrated that children who are close to their grandparents tend to become more effective grandparents with their own grandchildren, two generations later.
Contemporary society has witnessed the evolution of the family from an extended family unit to the nuclear or modern family unit. It has been proposed that this nuclear family structure poses a barrier which isolates extended kin such as grandparents and enables kinship relationships to be regulated by personal preference and mutual interest (Leahy-Johnson and Barer, 1987).
Since the 1970s the divorcing family has been the subject of research, legal reforms, and media attention, the recipient of specialized services and the source of concern regarding the death of the family. The nuclear family has been the focus of this attention, with little effects of divorce on the extended family (Brown, 1982; Duffy, 1982).
One potential aspect of the divorcee is the disruption or severance of the grandparents-grandchild relationship (Myers & Perrin, 1993).
Due to the increase in the life expectancy, most children have living grandparents. Coupled with the fact that more than 60% of divorced couples have at least one minor child, the potential for severed contact could be quite substantial (Spanier & Glick, 1981; as cited by Matthews & Sprey, 1984).
A study of divorce families in Alberta found that 54.2 % of extended family members reported difficulties in visiting and maintaining contact with their grandchildren, nieces and nephews (Andreiuk, 1994).
In examining post divorce kinship interactions, Spicer & Hampe (1995) concluded that being female and/or having custody was associated with a high level of interaction with blood relatives.
The gender of the parent may be less important than the awarding of custody, however, the two factors are closely related since it is customary for mothers to be awarded custody, particularly of minor children (Matthews & Sprey, 1984).
Social relations with paternal kin were found to decease for the children of divorce, particularly in the case of an absent father. Findings suggest that the adult child serves as a pivotal link between grandchildren and grandparent (Anspach, 1976).
Child access for the third parties is covered under the federal Divorce Act and provincial assess legislation. Access may be awarded if it is shown to be in the child’s best interest. Only Quebec, Alberta and B.C. have access legislation that presumes contact with grandparents is in the child’s best interest. This places the responsibility with parents to show serious cause why access would not be in the child’s best interest. Other provinces place responsibility onto the grandparents to prove that denied access will actually harm a child (Andreiuk, 1994).
All but three states in the U.S. have laws permitting grandparents to petition for visitation upon death or divorce of adult. This assures the grandparent the right to be heard in court, but it still remains for the court to decide if it is in the child’s best interest to visit with the grandparent (Derdeyn, 1985).
Grandparent visitation legislation has risen quite differently from other domestic relation laws, which generally follows social change. The changes in grandparents visitation legislation is seen as the product of intense political activity by today’s older citizens who are greater in number, healthier and more politically conscious and powerful than in the past (Derdeyn, 1985; Thompson et al, 1989).
In view of controversies surrounding the legal involvement in grandparent access, (Derdeyn, 1985) it would seem necessary to evaluate the success or failure of court ordered access arrangements, in order to facilitate court decisions regarding a grandparent-grandchild visitation.
A 1995 study by Kruk, found paternal grandparents more likely to be at risk for denied access in a divorce situation when the mother is the custodial parent. Maternal grandparents seem to be more at risk for denied access in a non divorce situation, where conflict is likely to be between grandparents and both adult child and the partner. Again reflective of past findings, the son was divorced and the non-custodial parent, while the daughter was married, custodial parent.
While each of the stories of denied access was unique, certain patterns emerged. In every separation or divorce circumstance, denied access to grandchildren was initiated by an ex-daughter-in-law. 100% of these cases involved paternal grandparents whose son did not have custody of his children. In many cases, the son is denied access as well during a similar period of time or was disengaged from the grandchildren' lives. (Atkinsons 1999)
This preponderance of access difficulties by paternal grandparents is noted in the literature and seen as a reflection of divorce rate and court awarded maternal custody of children (Ahrons & Bowman, 1982; Anspach, 1976; Furstenburg, 1981; Kalish & Visher, 1982; Leahy & Barer, 1987; Spicer & Hampe, 1975).
Grandparents who feel that the stated intent to pursue the matter in court if necessary, was the main factor in the resolution of the problem. The data lends support to Gladstone’s (1989) suggestion that grandparents are not necessarily powerless, and in fact may be able to renegotiate contact.
Despite an initial stage of tension between adult child and grandparent, things quickly settled into an arrangement not unlike the pre-existing the denied access. All reported friendly relations with the ex-child-in-law and the ability to see their grandchildren whenever they want, not only during assigned access times. These grandparents are now called upon to baby-sit, attend family functions such as birthday parties and sports events and can even take the grandchildren for weekends and vacations. Flexibility, communication and putting the best interests of the child ahead of hurt feelings were all cited as reasons for the diminished tension and increasingly co-operative arrangements that all had experienced since being awarded court ordered access. (Atkinsons1999)
Access problems follow divorce, separation, or death of an adult child as well as conflict with the adult child or child-in-law in intact families. A substantial number of grandparents are able to restore contact using a variety of mediation strategies as well as the legal system. Those grandparents who have used these resources reported more positive outcomes than those who did not. (Atkinsons1999)
The process of divorce requires major reorganization, resulting in a variety of new, complex family networks. Diverse kinship alternatives exist following divorce and remarriage, with few rules on which relatives are to be included and excluded. As a result of the divorce experience, these altered kinship's systems vary from a very expansive system to a contracted and one-sided system, resulting in many implications for the family (Ahrons & Bowman, 1982; Johnson & Barer, 1987).
It is important to note that the custodial status is the main factor related to contact loss in separation and divorce cases. Grandparents of the custodial parent enjoy increased involvement with grandchildren, while grandparents of the non-custodial parent are at risk of diminished or denied contact. Present data supports the literature findings that most divorced fathers become non-custodial parents and many lose contact with their children (Kruk, 1995; Matthews & Sprey, 1984; Spicer &Hampe, 1975).
In a 1975 study, Robertson suggests that the most significant aspect of the bond between a grandparent and grandchildren is the fact that this tie is not direct, but mediated by the grandchild’s parents.
As long as mothers continue to be awarded sole custody of the children, the maternal grandparents will enjoy a closer relationship with grandchildren while the paternal grandparents will continue to be at risk for diminished or denied access (Myers & Perrin, 1993).
In Canada, the issue of grandparents’ rights of access to grandchildren has not been given recognition in legislation, with the exception of the provinces of Quebec, Alberta and B.C. In all other provinces, grandparents may only petition the courts for rights of access as interested third parties. In the absence of a specific statue providing grandparents with legal standing to access, there are continuing difficulties in obtaining contact with grandchildren (Kruk, 1995).
The existence of grandparent rights statues in the United States has effectively reduced the need for litigation (Wilson & DeShane, 1982). Many grandparents agree that law reform to further rights of access to grandchildren would likely act as a deterrent to denied access of grandchildren, thereby reducing the need for adversarial procedures.
In view of successful outcomes following court ordered access in the present study, it would seem necessary that further studies follow up on court-ordered visitations, evaluating ongoing relationships and identifying problems such as refusal to obey access orders. This would serve to facilitate legal and therapeutic professions in decisions regarding grandparent involvement in the mediation and legal process of divorcing families. (Atkinsons-1999)
Recent research suggests that grandparents play a significant role in the lives of children, and in fact, ignoring the existence of a grandparent who has formed strong bonds with a child may not represent the best interests of that child (Wilks & Melville, 1990; Kivnick, 1982; Wilson and DeShane, 1982; Downs & Walz, 1981). This study also indicates that the grandparent’s role is an integral part of their self-identity. When the role of grandparent is removed, the physical and emotional effects are severe, resulting in necessary medical and psychological intervention. It is suggested the expanding variety of family forms present in contemporary society constitute a potential threat to grandparent’s involvement in their grandchildren’s lives.
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Post by REALITY on Dec 19, 2006 22:00:51 GMT -5
Grandparents' Rights/Access
The following associations are dedicated to raising awareness about grandparents rights. They offer support, information and referrals to grandparents who are denied access to their grandchildren and don’t know where to turn for help.
Canadian Grandparents Rights Association Headquarters
Phone: 604-273-GRAN (4726) Fax: 604-273-1823 Address: 260-3631 No. 2 Road, Richmond, BC V6X 2B9
Calgary Branch Phone/fax: 403-284-3887 Address: P.O. Box 64128, 5512-4th Street N.W., Calgary, AB T2K 6J1
Ottawa Branch Phone: 613-722-3310 Address: 1998 Anthony Ave., Ottawa, ON K2B 6T9
Hamilton Chapter Phone: 905-544-2668 Address: 154 Balmoral St. N., Hamilton, ON L8L 7R8
Manitoba Chapter Phone: 204-888-0482 Address: 153 Roquette St., Winnipeg, MB R3K 1M6
New Brunswick Chapter Phone: 506-363-5743 Address: 1010 Dornridge Rd., Burtts Corner, NB E6L 2V2
Ottawa Chapter Phone/fax: 613-837-8371 Address: 1516 Boucier Dr., Orleans, ON K1E 3J5
Quebec Chapter Phone: 514-846-0574 Address: 1-12 Park Place, Westmount, QC H3Z 2K5
Montreal Chapter Fax: 514-846-0235.
Helping Unite Grandparents and Grandchildren (H.U.G.G.) Phone: 519-736-5116 Fax: 519-736-0189 Address: 607 Pine Ridge Ave., Amherstburg, ON N9V 3W3
Oakville-Hamilton Chapter Phone: 905-690-4026 Fax: 905-690-4969 Address: 19 Blue Heron Lane, Carlisle, ON L0R 1H1
Association to Reunite Grandparents & Families Headquarters Phone: 613-474-0035 Address: R.R. # 1 Mc Arthurs Mills, ON K0L 2M0
Other Branches Oakville: 905-339-2465 Oshawa: 905-723-9954 or 905-435-0489 Uxbridge: 905-985-0066 Waterloo: 519-746-2254
Grandparents are Forever Phone: 519-455-9514 Address: 189 Rhine Ave., London, ON N5Y 1
Orphaned Grandparents Association Phone/Fax: (780) 961-3168 Address: Box 239, Legal, Alberta; Canada, T0G 1L0
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Post by REALITY on Dec 26, 2006 22:23:59 GMT -5
Raising a family – again
“Sheila and Herman Volchert of Fonthill, Ont., have been caring for their two young granddaughters for five years. Mrs. Volchert had to quit her part-time job because the cost of daycare was too high.”
At a time of life when most people are planning their retirement, Paul and Darlene Pellman are raising a family. Again.
Eight years ago, the Pellmans took over care of their two young grandchildren. Their daughter has mental health problems and can't look after them. The children's father sees them fairly regularly but believes the Pellmans are better able to raise them.
"This isn't something we had planned on, but we wouldn't want it any other way. Most grandparents in our situation step in and do whatever it takes to care for their grandchildren," says Mr. Pellman, a family lawyer in Toronto.
In fact, many grandparents in Canada are helping provide for their grandchildren. A Statistics Canada study in December using 2001 census statistics found that nearly 475,000 grandparents lived with their grandchildren. Many contributed financially, especially in single-parent families.
The Pellmans are an extreme example of pitching in. They're what's known as a "skip-generation" family -- grandparents living with grandchildren, without the middle generation. And it's a trend that's growing fast.
According to the 2001 census, nearly 57,000 grandparents in Canada were raising their grandchildren on their own. Between 1991 and 2001, the number of children under 18 living only with their grandparents jumped 20 per cent, says Esme Fuller-Thompson, an associate professor of social work at the University of Toronto who has conducted several studies about skip-generation families.
"To see a 20-per-cent increase in 10 years is demographically a huge trend," Ms. Fuller-Thompson says.
In the United States, the increase has been even more rapid. The figure rose 44 per cent during the 1980s, Ms. Fuller-Thompson says.
The rise is mostly due to better reporting of child abuse and neglect, says Ms. Fuller-Thompson, as well as increased drug abuse by parents and more women being sent to prison. Grandparents take over to try to keep their families intact, she adds.
Many skip-generation families are middle class, she says, but there's also a substantial number who are struggling to make ends meet.
Even those who start out financially secure can find it tough to cover the cost of children's education, camps and living expenses, Ms. Fuller-Thompson says.
"I know of one grandmother who substantially depleted her savings in litigation costs to get full custody of her grandchildren, to make sure they were safe," she adds.
Sheila and Herman Volchert of Fonthill, Ont., have been caring for their two young granddaughters for five years. Mrs. Volchert had to quit her part-time job because the cost of daycare was too high.
Although Mr. Volchert is an engineer, he works for a small local firm that doesn't provide a pension. The registered retirement savings plans the couple have set aside for their golden years will likely be cashed in to pay for the children's post-secondary education, says Mrs. Volchert, who is president of Grand-PARENTING AGAIN Canada, one of several support groups for grandparents raising grandchildren.
The Volcherts can afford to put away only about $30 a month for each child into registered education savings plans.
About 85 per cent of the group's members are under severe financial strain, Mrs. Volchert says, living on government pensions or earning little. Many have to use food banks.
"Nobody really expects to be raising another family at this point in life. It's a big shock to your system, especially financially. There aren't many supports out there," she says.
"As a lawyer, making a good income, I'm one of the lucky ones," says Mr. Pellman, who is also professionally involved in grandparent issues. About 15 to 25 per cent of his clients are grandparents involved in legal battles over access to or legal custody of grandchildren.
The Pellmans are able to send their grandchildren to private schools. Their dental and medical expenses are covered under Mr. Pellman's insurance. He and his wife have life insurance to provide for the children and they've made substantial investments in RESPs.
Even still, starting over with a family extracts a financial price. The Pellmans have spent thousands of dollars on assessments and therapy for their grandchildren's learning problems and emotional issues. They had to move from a condo to a house to accommodate the children.
"I had been planning to retire at 60 or so," says Mr. Pellman, who is in his early 50s. "Now, it'll be more like 70, with the kids' university educations to pay for. It's a good thing I enjoy my work."
The Pellmans receive a small amount of support from the children's father. The only other financial help they get is from income tax deductions, the same ones parents are entitled to.
"I think many grandparents raising children are unaware they can claim deductions for them, as long as no one else is claiming them on their return," says Steve Roth, a tax partner at Zeifman & Co. LLP in Toronto.
If you support a dependant under age 19 in your home, you can claim the eligible dependant, or equivalent to spouse, credit on your income tax return, worth about $6,500, Mr. Roth says.
You can also claim child-care expenses such as daycare, babysitting, camps and some educational programs, Mr. Roth says. The child-care tax break is available for children under 17, to a maximum of $7,000 up to age seven, and $4,000 to age 16.
As well, grandparents can claim medical expenses that aren't reimbursed through government programs or insurance, for costs such as dental care and prescriptions, says Mr. Roth. "You don't need to be the actual legal guardian to claim the deductions."
But there are restrictions on those deductions that make many grandparents ineligible, says Scott Gibson, vice president of E.E.S. Financial Services Ltd. in Markham.
The eligible dependant, or equivalent to spouse, credit only applies in situations where there's only one parent or guardian, he says, because it's awarded in lieu of a spouse. To claim child-care expenses, the grandparents must be working, he adds. Under the Income Tax Act, the tax credit is available to the lower-income spouse.
"If the lower-income spouse doesn't have any income, it's lost. Overall, the tax system doesn't offer much in cases where grandparents are raising children."
There are provincial government programs across the country that supply some financial aid. In Ontario, for instance, the Ontario Works program provides $214 a month for the first child, and up to $174 for each additional child, as well as benefits for drugs, dental and vision care, back-to-school expenses and winter clothing, says Anne Machowski, a spokesperson for the Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services.
The support is awarded based on the child's income, not the grandparents'. If your grandchild has little or no income, he or she can get the supplement, regardless of what you earn, says Mrs. Volchert.
But grandparent support groups argue the funding isn't adequate or well-publicized.
"Most of the grandparents who start with our group aren't even aware of all the programs. We're lobbying to get better recognition for grandparents and better rates," Mrs. Volchert says.
Another complaint is that the provincial supplement can be clawed back if the grandparents receive the federal child benefit supplement for low-income families. "The family not only loses out on the money, they can lose the benefits as well," Mrs. Volchert says.
Grandparent support groups believe all grandparents who need help to raise their grandchildren should receive the same support that foster parents get.
The regular daily rate for foster parents in Ontario, for instance, is $26.76, says Melanie Persaud, spokesperson for the Children's Aid Society of Toronto.
Some grandparents do become designated as foster parents but many balk at the restrictions, says Joan Brooks, head of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren in Toronto.
Foster care is only provided in cases with "a verified child protection issue, where abuse or neglect has been reported. We must do a risk assessment and determine it's unsafe for the child to be left with the parents," Ms. Persaud says. It's the Children's Aid that has ultimate authority over a child under its program, not the grandparent, something many grandparents oppose, Ms. Brooks says.
There are moves under way to change that restriction in Ontario. A new Kinship Care program was launched in June in a couple of locations to give grandparents more autonomy. Legislative change is required, though, for grandparents in the program to be official guardians, who can operate more at arms' length from the agency, Ms. Persaud says.
Many of those who work with skip-generation families agree that more government support and tax incentives are needed. "There have always been cases of grandparents having to raise the grandchildren but the numbers weren't as large. They've been invisible up till now and that's why there isn't enough in place to help them," Ms. Fuller-Thompson says.
If there was more financial help, fewer children would end up in foster care, or with parents who do an inadequate job, Mr. Pellman contends. "There are many grandparents who step in but there are a lot who are living on a fixed income and they don't have the extra."
"It breaks their hearts that they just can't afford to provide the care their grandchildren need."
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Post by REALITY on Dec 30, 2006 20:04:59 GMT -5
Canadian Custody and Access Provisions: A Legislative Comparison.
iv. Extended Family Custody and Access PROVINCE/STATUTE LEGISLATIVE PROVISION
Canada Divorce Act, R.S.C.1985 (2nd Supp.), c.3.
s. 16(3) a person other than a spouse must obtain leave of the court in order to make an application for custody or access.
Alberta Domestic Relations Act, R.S.A. 1980, c. D-37.
-s. 57(1) an "other responsible person" (a person legally liable to maintain a minor or entitled to the custody of a minor) may apply for custody of a minor.
Provincial Court Amendment Act, 1997, Chapter 22, amends Provincial Court Act, R.S.A. 1980, cP-20.
-s. 32.1(1)(2) if a grandparent at any time is refused access to a child, the Court may on application make an order as it sees fit regarding the grandparents right of access to the child. (3) The application for an order under this section may be made a) by a grandparent of the child, or b) by the child, who may apply with or without any person interested on his behalf. (4) in making an order under this section, the Court shall take into consideration only the best interests of the child as determined by reference to the needs and other circumstances of the child including a) the nature and extent of the child's past association with the grandparent, and b) the child's views and wishes, if they can be reasonably ascertained.
Child Welfare Act, S.A. 1984, c. C-8.1; as amended by 1985, c. 6; 1985, c. 16; 1986, c. D-27.1; 1987, c. 29; 1988, c. P-12.01; 1988, c. 15; 1989, c. 10; 1990, c. 29; 1991, c. 21; 1994, c. G-8.5; 1994, c. 36 and 1995, c. 23.
-s. 12(1) A director may enter into an agreement in the prescribed form with (a) a guardian of a child who is the subject of a temporary guardianship order, or (b) any person who has a significant relationship with a child who is the subject of a temporary guardianship order.
British Columbia Family Relations Act, R.S.B.C. 1979, c. 121.
-s. 34 mother, father and any parent as defined in s. 1 may apply for custody or access.
Manitoba The Family Maintenance Act, R.S.M. 1987, c. F.20 as amended.
s. 38 any person may apply for custody or access on behalf of a child -s. 39(2)(a) either parent (biological or adoptive); or any person so declared under part II of the Act may also apply
New Brunswick The Child and Family Services and Family Relations Act, S. N. B. 1980, c. C-2.1 re-titled Family Services Act, S.N.B. 1980, c. F-2.2,
-s. 129(2) Upon application the court may order that either or both parents, or any person, either alone or jointly with another, shall have custody of a child, subject to such terms and conditions as the court determines, such order to be made on the basis of the best interests of the child; and the court may at any time vary or discharge the order.
Newfoundland Children's Law Act, R.S.N. 1990, c. C-13, as amended by S.N. 1995, c. 27.
-s. 27 A parent of a child or other party, as specified in paragraphs 69(4)(b) to (d), may apply to a court for an order respecting custody of or access to the child or determining an aspect of the incidents of custody of the child. -s. 69(4) The parties to an application under Parts III and IV in respect of a child shall include a) the mother and the father of the child; b) a person who has demonstrated a settled intention to treat the child as a child of his or her family; b.1) a grandparent of the child; c) a person who had the actual care and upbringing of the child immediately before the application; and d) another person whose presence as a party is necessary to determine the matters in issue.
Northwest Territories
-no existing provisions
Nova Scotia Family Maintenance Act, R.S.N.S. 1989, c. 160.
-s. 18(2) the court may, on the application of a parent or guardian or other person with leave of the court, make an order a) that a child shall be in or under the care and custody of the parent or guardian or authorized person; or b) respecting access and visiting privileges of a parent or guardian or authorized person.
Ontario Children's Law Reform Act, R.S. O. 1990, c. C.12.
-s. 21 a parent of a child or any other person may apply to a court for an order respecting custody of or access to the child or determining any aspect of the incidents of custody of the child.
Prince Edward Island Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, R.S. P.E. I. 1988, c. C-33.
-s. 7(3) parties to a custody or access proceeding may include: a) the mother and father of the child; b) a person who has demonstrated a settled intention to treat the child as a child of his or her family; c) a person who had the actual care and upbringing of the child immediately before the application; and d) any other person whose presence as a party is necessary to determine the matters in issue.
Quebec Civil Code of Quebec, S.Q. 1991, c. 64.
-Art. 605 either parent or a third person may apply for custody or access of a child -Art. 611 in no case may the father or mother, without a grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents. Failing agreement between the parties, the terms and conditions of these relations are decided by the court.
Saskatchewan Children's Law Act, S.S. 1990, c. C-8.1.
-s. 6 (1) on the application of a parent or other person having, in the opinion of the court, a sufficient interest, the court may, by order; a) grant custody of or access to a child to one or more persons; b) determine any aspect of the incidents of the right to custody or access; and c) make any additional order that the court considers necessary and proper in the circumstances.
Yukon Children's Act, R.S.Y. 1986, c. 22.
-s. 33(1) a parent of the child or any other person may apply for custody of or access to the child.
*although most jurisdictions permit persons other than parents to apply for access, the probability of success by a non-parent who is not in a quasi-parent position is quite small
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Post by REALITY on Dec 30, 2006 20:11:46 GMT -5
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Post by REALITY on Dec 30, 2006 20:13:40 GMT -5
Grandparents Support Groups in Canada *The Orphaned Grandparents Association Resource Centre Box 239, Legal, ALBERTA,T0G 1L0 Phone/Fax: (780)961-3168 E-mail: orphand@netscape.net Website: www.geocities.com/Heartland/Valley/2529/*Canadian Grandparents' Rights Association #207,14980 - 104 Avenue, Surrey, British Columbia, V3R 1M9, Ph:(604)585-8242, Fax:(604)585-8241, E-mail: cgra222@vcn.bc.ca Website:http://www.victoria.tc.ca/Community/Seniors/grandparents.html *Grandparents Rights Association of the Yukon (G.R.A.Y.) Phone:(867)821-3821 or (867)633-4160, E-mail: emillard@yknet.yk.ca Grandparents Involved Full Time(G.I.F.T.) Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, E-mail: d.gift@sasktel.net *Grandparents Requesting Access and Dignity (G.R.A.N.D.) Society & Chapters: Toronto Nucleus/Founder: Joan Brooks 219 Browning Ave., Toronto, Ontario, M4K 1X1,Ph:(416)469-5471 Ottawa chapter: Lilliane George 1516 Boucier Drive, Orleans, Ontario, K1E 3J5, Ph/Fax:(613)837-8371 Gray/Bruce chapter: Beverly Lovely #3 Ignatz Street, Mildmay, Ontario, N0G 1J0 Manitoba chapter: Eileen Britton 153 Roquette St., Winnepeg, Manitoba, R3K 1M6, Ph:(204)888-0482, E-mail:britton@mb.sympatico.ca Website: www.mts.net/~nsymonds/index.htmlQuebec chapter: Mathilde Erlich & Albert Goldberg 12 Park Place, Apt.#1, Westmount, PQ, H3Z 2K5 Ph:(514)846-0574, Fax:(514)846-0235 *CANGRANDS(grands raising grandchildren) McArthurs Mills, Ontario, Ph:(613)474-0035, E-mail: grandma@cangrands.com Website: www.cangrands.com*Volunteer Grandparents Society of British Columbia 1755 West Broadway, Suite 409, Vancouver, British Columbia, V6J 1Y1, Ph:(604)736-8271
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Post by REALITY on Dec 30, 2006 20:16:25 GMT -5
How do I maintain a quality relationship with my grandchildren after their parents' breakup?
Following separation or divorce, the relationship between adults changes fundamentally. But the same should not apply to the relationship between adults and young children in the family. Each of the children's parents continues to be a parent, each of the grandparents continues to be a grandparent, and each child should be able to receive support, love and companionship from each adult as before.
For the children's benefit, the adults must be mature enough to not let the change in the adult's relationship destroy the adult-child relationship. When the adult-child relationship is destroyed, the child experiences pain, loss and personal "destruction". No mature adult would want to consciously do that to a child.
The relationship that you as a grandparent have with your grandchildren depends in large part on the relationship you will now have with each of the children's parents following separation or divorce. Recall having heard about friends or aquaintances who were stopped from seeing their grandchildren because of an ongoing fight with the custodial parent.
The following is advice collected by our Grandparents Support Group on how to maintain a quality relationship with the grandchildren, and it necessarily includes maintaining a satisfactory relationship with both of your grandchildren's parents.
- Try to appreciate the disappointment and sense of failure each of the parents must be feeling now that they are separated or divorced. Empathize now with each of the parents to help you keep contact with the grandchildren in the future.
- Do not blame either parent for the breakup, and, most importantly, avoid taking sides. Sitting on the fence without taking sides may be the most important thing you can do to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren. I recall an acquaintance telling me that her son was angry that she had regular contact with the son's es-wife, who from time to time asked my acquaintance to help her by taking the children during the day. However, the acquaintance consciously decided not to let her own son'd disapproval of contact with the ex-wife isolate her from the grandchildren.
- Bite your tongue. Your grandchildren's parents do not need to know if you disapprove of something they are doing. In fact, voicing your disapproval will almost always turn a civil relationship into no relationship at all. Tolerance and acceptance of the adults are two of the greatest virtures possible at this time in trying to maintain a quality relationship with your grandchildren.
- Likewise, your grandchildren do not need to hear you privately criticizing their parents, and you know that the grandchildren will eventually tell their parents what you said.
- Keep open any doors of communication you have with the in-law's side of the family since those may be the people who have the most contact with your grandchildren. This may take all the maturity and civility you can muster, but your grandchildren will benefit from your example. Remember that your grandchildren love those other people too, and your coldness toward those people will affect your relationship with the grandchildren.
- Be accepting of your grandchildren's new relationships with a step-parent and step-siblings. Try to put your grandchildren's needs and interests ahead of your own.
- Let your grandchildren know how much you value them just for who they are, and not for what they do.
- Take the initative in trying to make arrangements with the custodial parent to visit younger grandchildren. Even in the face of rejection, offer your time and make an extra effort to provide activities you know the grandchildren would enjoy.
- Reach out to your older grandchildren and let them feel your support. Older grandchildren are often busy with school activities, and even in intact families will ignore their grandparents. Do not wait for the grandchildren to come to you. Phone, write, send goodies. If the grandchild no longer lives at home, make arrangements to have supper together, or to drop in for coffee.
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Post by REALITY on Jan 3, 2007 22:40:01 GMT -5
Grandmothers and the Law
Grandparents often play a significant role in the lives of their grandchildren. Despite the importance of this role to all three generations in the family, it is usually informal and largely under-acknowledged. When a conflict arises, the grandparent/grandchild relationship can be a casualty, and the parties may turn to the courts for assistance.
Unfortunately, the law provides little guidance in this area. In this article, we will look at the role of grandparents and their legal rights (or lack thereof) in families:
* when the children's parents are together; * when the children's parents separate; and * when the grandparent has been the primary caregiver to the child for a period of time.
How Might Grandmothers Be Involved?
The roles played by grandmothers in their children's and grandchildren's lives are extremely varied. They may:
*pass down family history and traditions *provide "special time" for the children and occasional breaks for parents *act as a resource person to the parents or the children *negotiate disputes between the parents and the children *provide support and assistance for children with special needs *provide financial support for the family *provide child care on either a regular or irregular basis
How grandmothers function in the extended family is determined by a number of factors including:
*cultural and racial traditions *geographic proximity *physical health of the grandmother *financial means of the grandmother and the extended family *openness of the parents to having grandparental involvement
Little research has been conducted in Canada on grandparenting, but some statistics are available:
*76% of people aged 65 and older are grandparents *90% of those over 65 who have children themselves are grandparents *40% of Canadians whose grandparents are alive see them at least once a month *36% of women between the ages of 45 and 54, 42% of women from 55 - 64, and 22% of women 65 and older provide regular child care for their grandchildren *maternal grandmothers were chosen by most grandchildren as their closest grandparent, followed by the paternal grandmother, then by the maternal and paternal grandfathers
When grandchildren were surveyed about their relationships with their grandparents, they said they most valued their grandparents' sense of family history, the unconditional acceptance by the grandparent, helpful advice and wisdom, and help in understanding their parents.
How Can the Relationship Break Down?
One of the most common times for the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild to break down is when the parents separate. At such a time it often becomes more difficult for the parents of the non-custodial parent to remain involved with their grandchildren.
However, breakdowns can occur in other situations:
*where the parents remain together, but are in a conflict of some sort with either or both sets of grandparents *where the grandmother has been given responsibility for the grandchild by child protection authorities and now the parent wishes to regain primary responsibility for her/his child *where the grandmother has played the role of primary caregiver over a long period of time and now the parent wishes to reassert this role
The discussion about the law that follows will be relevant to all of these situations.
Provinces Other than Ontario
Many provinces make specific references to grandparents in their custody legislation. Quebec's Civil Code offers the strongest language. Section 611 states: "In no case may the father or mother, without grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents."
New Brunswick's Family Services Act requires courts to consider the love, affection and ties between a child and, "where appropriate", the grandparents. This Act considers grandparents as well as parents in its definition of the immediate family.
Alberta makes specific provision for grandparent access in its Provincial Court Act which sets out that if a grandparent is refused access to a child, s/he or the child can make an application for an access order. The court is to consider the nature and extent of the past relationship and the child's wishes and views if they can be reasonably ascertained.
British Columbia's Family Relations Act says that when a court is making a custody or access order, it must consider the love, affection and similar ties that exist between the child and other persons. Included in the definition of other persons are "parents, grandparents, other relatives of the child and persons who are not relatives of the child." The Act also allows the court to make a custody and access order to a grandparent.
Yukon legislation also includes the involvement of grandparents in a child's life as a factor to be considered when considering the best interests of the child in a custody or access application.
The Situation in Ontario
Ontario law offers the least support for grandparents who are seeking legal custody of or access to their grandchildren. There are two laws that could apply to the legal rights of grandparents in this area: the Divorce Act, which is a federal law, and the Children's Law Reform Act.
The Divorce Act, which applies to married couples everywhere in Canada, allows people other than spouses to apply for custody of or access to a child (section 16(1)). There is no specific reference to grandparents, however, and any such person wishing to make an application must first obtain the leave of the court to do so.
The Children's Law Reform Act, section 21, likewise permits people other than the parents of a child to make an application for custody of or access to a child. No special status is granted to grandparents.
In order to be successful, a grandparent would have to establish a very strong reason why such an application would be in the best interests of the child. In considering such an application, a court would consider a number of factors:
*the presence or absence of a close relationship between the grandparents and the grandchild before the application is made. Where no such relationship exists, the grandparent is not likely to be successful; *the views and wishes of the grandchild. The relationship with the grandparents is seen as the grandchild's, not the grandparent's, right; *the best interests of the child. Although this test is not clearly set out in the legislation, the same test would be applied as in a custody and access dispute between the parents of a child; *the parents' wishes. The greatest deference will be given to the wishes of the parents, unless there is a credible concern raised about the appropriateness of the parents.
When the Parents Are Together
One of the few Ontario cases on this issue is Chapman v Chapman, which was decided by the Ontario Court of Appeal. This was an "intact" family - that is the parents were in a relationship with each other. The dispute was between the paternal grandmother, who sought access to the grandchildren, and the parents, who wanted to limit her access because of their own negative relationship with her. In writing for the unanimous court, Justice Abella, stated:
In the absence of any evidence that the parents are behaving in a way which demonstrates an inability to act in accordance with the best interests of their children, their right to make decisions and judgments on their children's behalf should be respected, including decisions about whom they see, how often and under what circumstances... the right to decide the extent and nature of the contact is not hers [the grandmother's] and neither she nor a court should be permitted to impose their perception of the children's best interests in circumstances such as these where the parents are so demonstrably attentive to the needs of their children... Although the parents' conflict with [the grandmother] is unfortunate, there is no evidence that this parental decision is currently detrimental to the children.
This case serves as the standard in Ontario at the present time -- courts will be reluctant to give grandparents the legal right to make claims against their own adult children in situations where the parents continue to reside together with the child, even where the court might think the decision being made by the parents is wrong or regrettable.
When the Parents Are Separated
The situation can become somewhat more complex where the parents have separated and have different agendas.
For example, a mother leaving an abusive partner will want to ensure that her children's safety is protected. She may wish to limit access by the paternal grandparents because of concerns that the grandparents will not protect the children from their father or will bad mouth her to the children. The father may see access by his parents has a way to get his own access, through a backdoor.
In these cases, sometimes both the grandparents and the grandchildren are the pawns of the abuser -- the grandparents may be genuinely trying to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren -- and sometimes the grandparents are actively attempting to undermine the efforts of the mother to assure the safety and well being of her children. It can be difficult for the court to sort out the motivation of the grandparents as well as the other parties.
Generally, in cases where the parents have separated, the court's tendency is to respect the wishes of the custodial parent, unless they are unreasonable. The difficulty in cases of woman abuse, of course, is that family courts often do not acknowledge the extent or reality of this issue, and so may tend to downplay the wishes or concerns of the custodial mother as outlined above.
As well, many judges are grandparents themselves. If they view themselves as good grandparents, they may bring an inherent bias to such cases, assuming that the motivation of all grandparents is, like theirs, well-intentioned.
Outcomes in these cases in Ontario are very fact specific and so vary wildly:
*access by the parents of the non-custodial parent may be seen to be the responsibility of that parent to accommodate during his time with the children *where there is no contact with the non-custodial parent, the grandparents may receive access in the hope it will provide the children with the benefits of an extended family. Such access may explicitly prohibit access by the non-custodial parent *where race or culture is an issue and the grandparents can offer the grandchildren access to a racial or cultural community that they would not otherwise have, they may be granted access on this basis *where the parents of the non-custodial parent were primary caregivers to the grandchildren while the parents were together, they are more likely to be granted access *where the grandparents are seen as being able to play a supervising or mediating role in the family, they are more likely to be granted access *where there is a very bitter relationship between the custodial parent and the grandparents, the grandparents are less likely to be successful in obtaining an access order *where there was not a significant relationship between the grandparents and the grandchildren prior to the parents' separation, the grandparents are less likely to be successful *where there is a history of abuse on the part of the grandparents, they are less likely to be successful
When the Grandparent Has Played a Parental Role with the Grandchildren
When the grandparents have served as the custodial parent(s) of the child for a significant period of time, they may be able to argue that it would not be in the best interests of the child to disrupt that relationship, even if the circumstances that led them to become the primary caregivers no longer exist.
This can be a very conflicted situation in families where the grandparent steps in (or is asked by child protection authorities to step in) to support a parent through a challenging time (an illness, an addiction, imprisonment etc.). As time passes, it is almost inevitable that the grandparent/grandchild bond will become extremely close. Particularly if the grandparent has ongoing concerns about the parent's behaviour, she may become quite protective of the grandchild and may be unwilling or unable to accept statements made by the parent that her/his behaviour has changed and s/he is now able to step back into the child's life as the primary caregiver.
Judges, then, have the difficult task of making their decision based on what is in the child's best interests. In such cases, the judge may order that a family assessment be conducted or that a lawyer be appointed for the child through the Office of the Children's Lawyer to ensure that the views and wishes of the child are able to be properly considered.
Alternatives to the Law
The law is seldom the best way to resolve the complex and emotional disputes that can arise among and between family members. Th law is an important last resort when all other strategies have failed or when safety is an immediate issue, but it should not often be the first remedy sought.
Grandparents who are seeking custody of or access to their grandchildren which is being opposed by one or both of the children's parents should first consider carefully and honestly their own motivation. The reasons for seeking a relationship with the grandchildren against the parents' wishes should be primarily (or even exclusively) genuine concern for the wellbeing of the grandchildren. If there are other motivations, then perhaps there should be other outcomes sought.
Consider ways to minimize the possibility of conflict:
*build a good relationship with both parents of the grandchildren, not just the one who is your child *avoid criticizing the parent(s) in front of the children *do not play the child off against a parent or use the child as a messenger *support the parent's parenting values and strategies and discuss disagreements in a constructive and supportive manner, when the grandchild is not present
If the parents are separating:
*don't take sides *do offer help and support with the children *do give the custodial parent (especially if this is your in-law) time to adjust to her new situation if she seems reluctant to allow you access to your grandchildren *support both parents as much as possible
If you are the parent of an abusive partner:
*learn as much about violence against women as you can *make sure your daughter-in-law knows you understand her concerns *ensure that you are not being manipulated by your son *have the support you need -- seek counselling, a support group or even a close friend who can concentrate on you and your needs *support any court orders that restrict your son's access to his children *do everything you can to ensure the safety of your daughter-in-law and grandchildren
If you are already in a conflict with your grandchildren's parents:
*keep a written record of discussions, agreements etc. *keep a record of any contact you have with your grandchildren, including contact initiated by them *assure the parents you are willing to work out ground rules for your time with the children *assure the parents you are not trying to replace them in their children's lives *negotiate -- present your ideas as suggestions rather than as demands *consider mediation *always remember that parents are the ultimate authority in the lives of their children
Conclusion
Unlike many other provinces, Ontario has chosen not to entrench legal rights for grandparents. Especially with the growth of grandparents' rights organizations over the past decade, this promises to be an area of ongoing political and legal struggle. It is imperative that all such discussions identify and acknowledge the reality of violence against women and children within the family in order to ensure that any rights given to grandparents do not conflict with the rights of women and children to live free from violence.
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Post by REALITY on Jan 4, 2007 23:24:26 GMT -5
The Art Of Stepgrandparenting
Did you know that an increasing number of grandparents are becoming stepgrandparents? A recent study noted that one third of grandparents interviewed had at least one stepgrandchild. And while most grandparents "acquire" stepgrandchildren when their own children re-marry, or when they themselves re-marry.
The Stepfamily Foundation reports that stepfamilies are growing by approximately 50,000 people a month. Each day 1,300 couples with children under 18 remarry. Seven million children, or one out of six, live in a stepfamily. Remarriage of parent(s) can potentially involve the addition of four stepgrandparents for a child.
Happily, when we ask children about stepgrandparents, the old "wicked stepmother" tag doesn’t seem to apply. Researchers Furstenburg and Spanier asked twenty-five newly remarried subjects how their children and stepchildren got along with their spouse's parents (stepgrandparents). The stepgrandchildren's views were reported to be essentially positive. Three out of ten stepgrandchildren saw their stepgrandparents at least once weekly.
In another study, Cherlin and Furstenburg noted that stepgrandparents typically do not exercise a high degree of authority over their stepgrandchildren (which may be one reason they get along so well). In interviews with twelve stepgrandparents, they identified two variables of significance in the relationship. The first was the stepgrandchild's age at the time of the remarriage: the older the child, the less likely it becomes that the stepgrandparent will be important in the child’s life. The second factor was whether or not the stepgrandchild lived full-time with the grandparent's adult child. In the people studied, tension appeared reduced for stepgrandparents who didn't have to visit their grandchildren and stepgrandchildren at the same time (makes sense, one-to-one relationships are easier).
In a further study, Trygstad and Sanders studied stepgrandchildren's perception of their stepgrandparents. They noted that, "Most of the stepgrandchildren in this study viewed their stepgrandparent not only as someone they cared for as an individual, but also as someone they respected." Their study showed that "stepgrandchildren maintain contact with their stepgrandparent beyond high school; the majority of respondents wanted more contact with stepgrandparents; almost half the respondents viewed their relationship to their stepgrandparent as important; the relationship was perceived both personally and socially."
Some factors influencing the quality of the stepgrandchild-stepgrandparent relationship included satisfaction with the parent's remarriage, the importance of the relationship with the stepparent, and the respondent's age when he/she became a stepchild.
One grandmother in our Foundation’s Grandparent Study emphasized the importance of the age factor, "I got her before she could walk .. so I filled the grandparent place in her heart."
But real life in a stepfamily may not always be as smooth as these studies suggest. Many children are seldom quick to adjust to the demands of getting to know and accept a stepparent, stepsiblings, and stepgrandparents. However, our studies have shown that if stepgrandparents go gently, and are available, without asking for any reward or feedback (such as verbal declarations of the children's love and respect) the majority can develop significant attachments.
How The Bond Works
The degree of emotional attachment between stepgrandparent and stepgrandchild can be understood on a continuum. At one end, the two have a symbolic, titular relationship, with no significant attachment. At the middle of the spectrum, the relationship becomes more substantive. Moving towards the far side of the continuum, the stepgrandparent can serve more and more as a friend, mentor, caregiver and role model. Stepgrandparent and grandchild can develop a close and loving bond.
Stepgrandparent availability, both emotional and geographic, also affects the quality of relationships. One close stepgrandmother who lived within walking distance of her eleven-year-old stepgrandson said, "I work at home so I am always there for Paul. Whenever he gets home from school he comes to my house for milk and cookies in the afternoon. His parents work and his grandparents live too far away to do him any good on a daily basis. If it weren't for me, he'd be a latchkey child."
Stepgrandparents need to relate to members of the extended family and especially the stepgrandchild's caretaker as well as the child's other grandparents. They must consider the child’s other grandparents if they are in the picture. These family arrangements can be fraught with emotional complications that stepgrandparents must identify and address if they wish to smooth relationships with others.
Stepgrandparents and children can have meaningful relationships. In our studies a strong attachment was observed to develop between seven stepgrandparents and stepgrandchildren over a period of twelve years. In this group all of the stepgrandparents identified with the feelings of one stepgrandmother who described her stepgrandchild as "my own." This positive feeling of attachment was echoed by the stepgrandchildren of this group.
Tips For Stepgrandparents
When the time and circumstances are right, most children can accept a stepgrandparent. After all, the more people a child has to love, the better. When it works, a wonderful bond is formed for life between child and stepgrandparent. But often, it isn’t easy to make it work. Factors like the timing (early or late in the life of the family) of the entrance of the stepgrandparent; the age of the child (the younger the better) ; the conditions that create the stepgrandparenting scenario (death of a spouse, divorce, prison etc.) and the relationships of the adults in the family picture peace and understanding, hate, etc. ) affect and pace of acceptance by the child of the stepgrandparent.
To be effective, stepgrandparents need to be informed of how this process works. Often the stepgrandparent’s idea of how things will be do not match the reality of the situation. New stepgrandparents must be sensitive to other people (for example, a new stepmother of a teen-age girl will have a hard time no matter what. Children accord stepgrandparents little authority---Stepgrandparents of adolescents have a hard time when they have to assume any of the "police" function teenagers need.)
Stepgrandparents can get important clues about how to act from understanding the dynamics of the conditions that made them stepgrandparents in the first place. For example, if the child has no living grandparents, or lacks a grandparent as the same sex of the stepgrandparent—the stepgrandparent can easily enter the place in the child’s heart and soul for a beloved elder. After all there is no competition. When this works well it also deepens the bond between the biological grandparent married to the stepgrandparent because they have the love of the children in common.
On the other hand, if the child has living grandparents the stepgrandparent can be an important and loving friend — a value added to the youngster’s life. But the stepgrandparent has to be sensitive — letting the youngster come to the stepgrandparent and being aware of existing grandparent-grandchild relationships and what is happening in the family — there might be jealousy, envy and more. The effective stepgrandparent must be a friend to everyone. No easy task.
If a divorce and remarriage occurred, the tone of the relationship between the divorced parties impacts greatly on the acceptance of the stepgrandparent into the system. For example if the stepgrandparent is the "other" person in a divorce, the abandoned spouse will certainly not want to allow this "other" person near his/her grandchildren. When this happens grandchildren can become pawns in the battle.
"Timing" and the "readiness" of the child to accept another person is the most important criteria for stepgrandparent to assess before they step into the lives of children. For example, if the mother dies, and the father remarries, it may take a long time for the child to accept the stepmother walking in the mother’s shoes.
Therefore it is best if the stepgrandparent is an available friend, without any needs of his/her own for emotional attachment to the child. A childless man or woman, for example, who might want a close relationship quickly, and has a personal need for the child to love them, must learn to put themselves in the child’s shoes and not take anything the child (dealing with personal losses, loyalties, variable openness to a new person), does or says personally. In other words, stepgrandparents should try to be as selfless as possible. Emotional maturity is required.
Stepgrandparents shouldn’t try to rush things. They are well advised to wait in the family wings before entering a child's life. Many stepgrandchildren I have personally interviewed had to deal with profound psychological issues such as divided loyalties, trying to comprehend the circumstances leading to the remarriage of the child's custodial parent, working through the dissolution of the parent's marriage, and trying to make sense of a new family configuration. This is a tall order, and the last thing a child needs is to be expected to have an instant relationship with stepgrandparents. In fact, the children may even resent you at first because they see you as a "party-crasher" in their once secure family life.
Consequently, the watchwords for successful stepgrandparenting are patience, support, loving, caring and being non-competitive. Eventually, if you have stepgrandchildren, you can be a new friend and a new person for them to love.
Just be careful to let your new wards come to you. Be there for them when they are ready. Be consistent and reliable. Remember, don't try to win them over, and certainly don't try to buy their love with gifts. They need the essence of you, and in time you will become an important person in their lives. Children have no built-in limit to the amount of people they can love. As a stepgrandparent, you extend the child's intergenerational support system, and everyone benefits as a result.
Effective stepgrandparenting is an art, but it can be a source of revelation, great joy and wonder for those who undertake this role with sensitivity, tenderness and compassion.
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Post by REALITY on Jan 12, 2007 23:04:48 GMT -5
From "The Grandparent Guide" (by Dr. Kornhaber) on "Raising Grandchildren" All throughout human history, grandparents have raised the young while parents supplied the basic needs for survival. Parents and grandparent served as a family "team" supporting and nurturing the young. Lately however, the family team has broken apart for many with the result that over the last several decades the numbers of children being raised by grandparents, either solely, or part-time, has been on the increase. So pervasive is this situation that no grandparent can exclude the possibility that he or she might be faced with the decision to raise grandchildren, part or full time, at some time in their lives. Here are some statistics that will give you an idea of the extent of the issue. A recent report from the U.S.Census (which only partially reflects the widespread nature of this issue) made the following comparison. In the year 1970, 2,214,000 children under 18 lived in grandparent-headed households, with the mother present in half of these households. By the year 1997, this number was reported as 5,435,000, or 7.7 percent of all children in the United States. The majority of children are being raised by 2 grandparents, or a grandmother alone, with different degrees of parent involvement. Since then, the number has increased substantially. In families that have both grandparents and grandchildren, the grandparents are the head of the house three-quarters of the time. The parents are heads of the household in the remaining one-fourth of the homes. In the former arrangement, half of the families have a grandmother and grandfather present. The rest have a grandmother with no spouse. The majority are under 65 years of age and employed. Half of the grandchildren are under 6 years of age, and often have neither support nor health insurance. Which underlines the financial as well as the emotional burden for grandparents. Although official census estimates made in the year 2000 hint the number to be more than 6 million it does not present the full picture. I estimate that the number of children being raised by grandparents in America today, part- or full-time, is now close to 8 million. A GROWING CHALLENGE FOR GRANDPARENTS The dramatic increase in the number of children who need to be rescued by their grandparents during the last several decades poses an important challenge for grandparents today. For many it involves making a life-changing decision to dedicate one’s life to raising a child at a time in life when one may be looking forward to more leisure and less responsibility (Minckler& Roe, 1993). The rise in grandparent-headed households reflects both a parent’s understandable need for help with childcare and, in the worst case "parental failure." What follows will help you to understand some of the reasons for the explosion of this trend, its repercussions on the family and society, and what is being done to help grandparents do the job. For example, as a result of the increase in the number of grandparents raising grandchildren, personal and governmental support organizations have been created (thanks to the efforts of many fine and dedicated people). So, if you are raising your grandchild, there are lots of resources, and local support groups, that are available to help you do the best job possible. Some of them are listed at the end of this section and can also be found on websites like www.grandparenting.org and AARP.org. The more children you have the greater the chance you will be caretaking a grandchild at some time or another. And, if you are presently raising a grandchild, or even caring part-time for a child, there is a lot you need to know. Some grandparents ask. Why is this so prevalent today? How do I cope with caring for a grandchild? How do I deal with being a grandparent, and yet sometimes having to act like a parent? Do I have legal standing? Is help available and where can I get it? What can I expect as far as problems are concerned? How does my grandchild feel? How do I deal with parents? Raising a grandchild is a complicated matter. You will have to know about emotional, financial, health, legal and educational matters. In what follows I will discuss these matters and some emotional and psychological aspects of raising grandchildren that you need to know about. Let's start at the beginning. The Cause: Parental Need or Failure When parents falter, nature has arranged it so children naturally fall into the laps of their grandparents. Caring for a grandchild may be temporary, for example when a parent is ill or in turmoil. It can also be permanent, as in the case of death, serious substance abuse, or incarceration. Following are some of the common circumstances that place children in jeopardy, forcing them to seek the sanctuary of their grandparents. Abandonment of the child by the parent. Parental illness (mental and physical). Teenage pregnancy. Substance abuse. Unemployment. Homelessness. Incarceration. Death of a parent. Divorce. Family violence. Child abuse and neglect. Poverty. The Effect: Grandparents To The Rescue Many grandparents faced with raising a grandchild experience ambivalent feelings. They become concerned about the welfare of their own child (the parent) as well as their grandchild. They also have to deal with the reality that taking on the responsibility of caring for a grandchild will turn their lives topsy-turvy. This decision is further influenced by their personality type, values, priorities, life circumstances, how much time and effort will be required to raise a grandchild, how much help and support they can count on from their family and society, their financial status, their health, housing situation, and the amount of responsibility assumed and/or authority they have. Some grandparents perceive taking on a parental role late in life as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with their grandchild. Other grandparents while enjoying its pleasures, still resent the responsibility and attendant inconveniences that are involved in raising a grandchild. The health effects of raising a grandchild depend on the basic health and vitality of the grandparent. Some grandparents say that raising a grandchild, although stressful and tiring at times, has increased their vitality and zest for life (Caren 1991, Kornhaber 1996). Others say their health is adversely affected (Minckler 1999). Most researchers agree that more study is needed in this area (Bower 1991). Many have to deal with their resentment toward the grandchild’s parents for thrusting the responsibility upon them. Others view the failure of the parent as their own failure and feel responsible and overwhelmed with guilt. Many other grandparents express concern about the fate of their grandchild if they die or become too ill to care for the child. The degrees of resentment or acceptance they experience is closely related to whether or not they have a choice in the matter. Raquelle, a 47-year-old grandmother was awakened at 3 A.M. by a knock on her front door. When she opened the door she found her two-month old grandson on the front steps, neatly wrapped and sleeping in a small basket. Her drug-addicted daughter had left her baby there. "I had to take the baby in," Raquelle said. "My daughter was back on the street, and there was no one else to care for her. I don’t like it but what alternative do I have? I am not giving my grandchild over to strangers to raise." When their daughter and son-in law were killed in an auto accident Peter and Gloria automatically took in their four grandchildren to care for them. "They are my grandchildren, my flesh and blood," said Peter. Who else is going to care for them the way Gloria and I do?" For some timing is a challenge. Elders who are ready to slow down and relax more, may understandably resent being forced into caretaking a young person. Della, 67 was ready to retire when her son, who was divorced and just joined the Air Force, deposited his two children at her home. "I wasn't happy about it," she said, "but I had no choice except to raise them up." Naturally, the lives of grandparents undergo great change when their grandchild moves in with them. Instead of spending time with their friends, they become immersed in the social life and schoolwork of their grandchild. And it can be especially difficult when a grandparent has a grandchild with emotional or behavioral difficulties. Some complain about being tired and overworked and resent it. Others feel that raising a grandchild has given them new meaning which compensates for the fatigue they feel. So, if you are raising your grandchild, expect to have many different feelings. On the one hand you will have to sacrifice a certain amount of your freedom. On the other hand, you are saving your grandchild's life LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS The legal status of children raised by grandparents can be tenuous. For example, many children who live with their grandparents because of a parental substance abuse problem that waxes and wanes are often fearful because their parents still have legal custody. This tenuous situation makes children frightened of being taken from their grandparents by a parent in the process of recovering from a drug problem because of the fear of relapse. Bouncing back and forth between grandma’s house and a frequently relapsing parent is very disruptive to children. According to Sylvie de Toledo, L.C.S.W., who started Grandparents as Parents (GAP), a support system in California for grandparents raising grandchildren, this "revolving door" syndrome is common. Parents with unresolved drug problems reclaim their children when they are in a period of remission. Then, when a relapse occurs, they abandon the youngster once again. When this happens the child gets confused about where he belongs and fearful that his living routine will be disrupted. That is why grandparents raising grandchild should obtain some kind of legal custody for their grandchildren until they are assured the parent is able to take over One 8-year-old who participated in our Grandparent Study was shuttled back and forth between her mother and grandmother's homes seventeen times in just three years. She said, "My mother goes into rehab and she's all right for a little while. Then she leaves the hospital, takes me from Grandma and brings me to her house. In a week or two she's back on drugs. Then I go to Grandma's and Mom goes back to rehab." Barbara Kirkland, a pioneer in the grandparent caretaker movement, has stated that if parents aren't available, grandparents should be given the legal means to provide the stable environment children need. Ms. Kirkland told me, "Arrangements should be made for children to get on with their lives, not remain in limbo. All children deserve a future of belonging." That is why a grandparent’s legal status is so important. To have total responsibility and authority for your grandchild you may choose adoption, full or temporary custody, or guardianship. You can pursue full custody if your grandchild’s parents are dead, abusive, incarcerated or terminally ill. When custody is established by law, you gain rights and benefits not offered with other caretaking arrangements. For example, subsidized health insurance, social services housing, and school enrollment are made available to you as a grandparent raising a grandchild. Full custody is necessary if you wish to protect your grandchild from a parent's dysfunction, or to be free to raise your grandchild if the parent dies. When the parent is living and you have custody be aware that a situation might arise where the parent may wish to regain custody of their child. This can be a bad or good thing depending on the competence of the parent to take care of their child. Other legal arrangements such as adoption, which terminates a parent's rights, temporary custody, and obtaining the status of a foster parent, serve you with a measure of legal security that will help you maintain a balance of power between yourself and the parents. If you have no legal recognition of your caretaking status, you may have difficulty accessing social support systems or medical, educational or financial services. COPING You can expect a radical change in your lifestyle when you raise a grandchild full-time. If you have full, uninterrupted custody you will experience lifestyle changes that can affect your work life, friendships, daily activities and retirement plans. You will have to be involved with your grandchild's health, education and social life. If you are single, or have economic or health problems, you will need personal support as well as that of social service agencies. You will have to deal with the common issues grandparents are concerned about; their legal rights, attitudes of insurance companies toward insuring grandchildren, financial strain, health problems, dealing with parents, obtaining adequate school service for the grandchild. The quality of your relationship with your grandchild’s parent and the terms of your arrangement with them will obviously impact dramatically on your degree of responsibility as your grandchild’s caretaker. For example, if you are parenting a child and grandchild at the same time, you will have constant, but varying, responsibility and authority because you have to act as a full-time parent and grandparent at the same time (Jendrek 1993). You may have other grandchildren who need your attention too. If you are providing regular daycare while parents work, you can send your grandchild home at the end of the day. You can also provide "stop gap" respite care. For example, providing sanctuary for a teenager having difficulty with parents is a temporary situation that ends when parents and child are reunited Although grandparents raising a grandchild full-time recognize the life giving and energizing benefits of their position, they are also aware that the role can be time-consuming, fatiguing and often financially and emotionally burdensome. In one study of grandparents and great-grandparents rearing their children's children as a consequence of parental drug addiction, Burton (1992) concluded that while "respondents found parenting their grandchildren an emotionally rewarding experience, they also incurred psychological, physical and economic costs in performing their roles. Some grandparents resent the disruption in their lives caused by their grandchildren's needs for time and attention. Others raising debilitated grandchildren - children addicted to cocaine, afflicted with fetal alcohol syndrome, malnourished, or suffering with other health, behavioral or learning problems - may be resentful of the extra care the child requires." Support for grandparents raising grandchildren is vital for successful caretaking. Studies show that grandparents who cope well with their situation are those who seek out other family members and support groups to help them deal with their concerns. Others use their strong spiritual beliefs to bolster them. It is important that grandparents take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually to be effective caretakers of their grandchildren.
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Post by REALITY on Jan 12, 2007 23:05:48 GMT -5
Dealing with Social Agencies
Grandparents raising a grandchild must learn how to deal with organizations and institutions to obtain the support they so desperately need. In the past, society's institutions did not support grandparent's efforts to obtain adequate funding, health care, education, or respite resources for their grandchild. Neither was help available to grandparents raising grandchildren who were concerned with issues such as their authority, control, sibling rivalry, the generation gap, their grandchild’s education, their own illness and mortality, their sense of isolation, defensiveness, anger, fear of going crazy, guilt, shame, separation and abandonment. Because of the efforts of dedicated, caring advocates, today there is a great deal of help available for grandparents from social agencies. Joining a local grandparent support group is a great way to get the latest information as well as support from grandparents who are in the same situation as you. The names of groups in your area can be obtained from organizations like Generations United and the AARP Information Center (see "Resources").
If you choose to join a support group, here are some of the issues and problems that you may want to discuss with your peers:
GUIDELINES FOR DISCUSSION TO ENHANCE SUPPORT
The difficulties in obtaining medical attention without formal custody. Many insurance companies do not allow grandparents to carry their grandchildren as dependents. Many schools will not admit a child unless the child's parent is living with the grandparent; thus grandparents are denied authority concerning the schooling of their grandchildren and even transportation to another school district. Grandparents often cannot obtain emergency medical care for their grandchild unless they have legal custody. Social security benefits are not payable to caregiving grandparents unless they adopt the child. Financial assistance, especially problems in receiving adequate financial help on a par with foster parents. Housing issues. The households of caretaking grandparents do not conform to the traditional definition of family as defined in zoning laws thus they may be excluded from living in a single family-zoned community. Grandparents cannot help their grandchildren in treatment centers without parents' permission. Caregiving grandparents without legal custody must give up their grandchildren to the child's parents without assurance of the child's health or well-being.
Grandparents whose grandchildren live with them full-time yet who do not have custody may have to pay for their grandchild's education and medical needs as well as day-to-day support. Although the state offers financial support to parents and foster parents through the Aid to Dependent Children Program, no such help is easily given to grandparents. Furthermore, grandparent groups claim that some government agencies have been negligent in seeking counsel from grandparents concerning the disposition of an abandoned child. There are cases cited in which state agencies, ignoring the wishes of grandparents seeking to raise their own grandchild, have placed the child in the care of a series of strangers.
PARENT OR GRANDPARENT?
Caring for your grandchild challenges your generational identity. The difficult and tricky task is to maintain your grandparent identity while acting as a parent. My experience, and that of others (Kennedy & Keeny 1988) shows that children raised by grandparents would prefer their grandparents to remain grandparents. Even if they want to, children cannot banish their parents from their minds and hearts; it is common knowledge that children who lose their parents create dreams and fantasies to deal with the loss, such as idealizing their parents, having fantasies of being reunited with them, etc. Just as they may project anger onto a custodial parent as a result of the pain of divorce, children may rationalize the loss of parents and even blame grandparents for their loss. Therefore, grandparents must be very careful not to be caught in the battle zone between their grandchild and the psychological work he or she has to do to resolve issues with the parent.
Whatever his or her experience with a parent, your grandchild has a need to have a healthy and loving parent. As a grandparent who is aware of this fact, try to defer your own needs to those of your grandchild. Demonstrate flexibility by moving in and out of the various roles you may be required to play, such as nurturer, mentor, role model, playmate and "parent." Your support and love can help your grandchild work through the difficult issues they may be grappling with.
One grandmother in the Grandparent Study asked her granddaughter, Paula, "Do you want me to be your grandmother acting like a parent or should I just be your mother?" Paula replied, "If I am your grandchild I will not have a mother or father. And if I don't have you I don't have anybody." When her grandmother signed the custody papers, Paula said, "Grandma, when I go to school tomorrow can I tell them I have a real Mom now?" Clearly, Paula needed her grandmother to play the role of parent. As Paula ages, her feelings may change or perhaps she will always need to see her grandmother in the guise of "parent."
The extent to which you play the "parent" over the "grandparent" is affected by a number of factors, i.e., the presence of other young children at home, your age, whether or not you have custody of your grandchild, etc. Providing children with a sense of stability and continuity is critical. Whether or not you play the role of parent for your grandchild, it is reassuring to know that, having learned from your own mistakes, you will be more competent at parenting a second time around. Daisy, a 55-year-old grandmother, said, "I feel good that I’m not making the same mistakes with my grandchild that I did with my children." Her husband, Olin, 60-years-old, agrees: "I never gave my own children the time and attention I give my grandson. I wish I had my own family to raise again. I would be a much better father."
Grandparents acting in a parental role often ask me about what happens to the "magical" ingredients of the grandparent-grandchild relationship-- the unconditional love, playfulness, spoiling, and loving "conspiracy" against the middle generation? These are qualities that are usually rooted in the grandparent's lack of direct responsibility for their grandchild. When you raise a grandchild, you may have to relinquish some of your grandparental prerogatives. Children need behavioral limits and lacking a parent to enforce the rules, you must step in and lay down the law. If your grandchild has behavioral difficulties, you may have to play the role of "enforcer" even more than usual. Grandparents who raise their grandchildren do tend to lose some of the "magical" qualities of their relationship with their grandchild, but at the same time also experience a degree of intimacy that might not otherwise be attained. Remember that a loving and flexible grandparent responds to the needs of the child. Be what the child needs you to be at that moment.
How Your Grandchild Feels
I have found that children raised by grandparents tend to be less rebellious and more understanding and grateful than other children. Christine, 21-years-old and raised by her grandmother, said, "When I was a teenager most of my friends stayed out well beyond their curfew and often fought like hell with their parents. Not me. I knew my grandparents were doing all they could to keep things together. I didn't want to give them any grief so I always tried to come home on time."
Studies hint that children without serious pre-existing problems who are raised by grandparents are healthier than children in single parent or remarried families, have fewer behavioral problems and are better adapted socially. On the other hand, they recognize that many children do have problems that started before their grandparents took over. In that case as well intentioned as the grandparent may be, the problems still need to be addressed.
My own experience convinces me that children are thankful for what their grandparents are doing for them. Most grandparents realize the importance of what they are doing as well; being quite aware they are saving their grandchild. Few have reservations about what they have given up to achieve this. "Not for one second," James, 52-years-old, answered when asked if he had any hesitation about raising his grandchildren after their parents were killed in a car crash. "It's natural to take them. That's what grandparents are for." "If my grandparents didn't take care of me, I'd be dead," said James’ 6-year-old grandson, Ralph.
Dealing With Parents
If you are raising your grandchild, you must not forget you are still the parent of your grandchild’s parent. Even though you may be very angry and have lost respect for your child, it is very important to recognize your child as your grandchild’s parent and to help your own child as much as possible. Perhaps your ability to be kind and forgiving will be taxed, but always remember that people do grow and change. Maintain a hopeful attitude, yet at the same time, always look reality in the face. Assure your child that there will always be a place for her in the family. This behavior on your part sends a wonderful message to your grandchild, for they will be observing how you relate to their parent. For the sake of your grandchild, keep the lines of communication open to the parents.
GRANDPARENT SUPPORT GROUPS
To help grandparents raising grandchildren manage their responsibilities, a plethora of local support groups and national organizations have sprung up all across THE United States. Support groups such as The AARP Grandparent Information Center, Generations United, Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, GAP (Grandparents As Parents), and ROCKing (Raising Our Children's Kids) can help (see "Resources" below for more). If you are raising a grandchild, I urge you to join a local support group. Here are some guidelines to follow to increase public awareness about this issue, and the quality of services available in your community. Share these ideas and suggestions with local agencies.
GUIDELINES FOR INCREASING AWARENESS
Establish community-training courses for grandparent caregivers and group support systems for grandparents and their grandchildren.
Research the effects of current grandparent caregiver support groups to adapt them to your specific population and then upgrade their quality.
Establish uniform qualitative standards for grandparent caregiver groups by providing a basic standardized curriculum and training course that may be locally adapted.
Form a network of group leaders to interface with local and state organizations. Convene on a regular basis to discuss changing needs, enhance and update the curriculum, and plan, advocate, and implement policy.
Document and assess benefits derived by caregiving grandparents, thereby encouraging others to take responsibility for their grandchildren.
Establish uniform federally mandated legal rights and social privileges that support the efforts of caretaking grandparents and kin.
Research the effect of caregiving on the mental and physical health of caregiving grandparents and grandchildren. Elders who are cut off from other generations are more likely to suffer from depression than those who remain actively involved.
Demonstrate to society and elders, by the means of social programs, the importance of the grandparents' role and intergenerational relationships as emotional and spiritual work that elders can perform for their families and society.
CONCLUSION
Raising a grandchild can be challenging and yet highly rewarding. Indeed, what greater gift could a grandparent receive than the love and respect of their grandchild who appreciates the sacrifices their grandparents made so that they would grow to be happy, healthy people? The words of loving praise that these grandchildren have for their grandparents brings tears to the eyes of all who hear them and a glow to the hearts of the grandparents who deserve them.
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